(no subject)
Dec. 2nd, 2004 07:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
triple_flameI am so tired of getting blown off for dates, meet ups, random cups of tea and froth....whatever, it gets arranged, I check on the day to make sure of times and suddenly something else has come up which is obviously FAR more important than me since she always seems to have forgotten all about whatever it was we'd planned...Makes me wonder if there's other things that she's forgotten involving me.
I've promised myself I'm over the obsession, and I am, but I think I have a right to be upset as a friend being treated like this never mind anything else!
It seems that I am only important when there is nothing better on offer...seems to be a theme for me doesn't it?
Not that it helps when the only people noticing me are the ones I'd be more than happy to have forget about me...I could go and look at FaceWhore and see all the posts telling me I'm gorgeous - empty praise from those who hope it may buy them something - is that really all I mean to the world, all people want from me or think of me? Will I forever be nothing more than a filler in people's lives? My parents, of course, I'm their little girl, always will be, but there is so much they don't know about me now, so much they can not comfort me for...I don't want to find out what would happen if they knew, I need one safe haven from this world. Besides, they can only keep me safe from the world, cannot make me feel needed, desired, they guard me by keeping me away from the world not giving me a place in it, a purpose in it.
Independance is all well and good but right now I don't want to be left alone, don't want to have to cope with everything in silence. I want, need, people to see what I am not prepared to say, to stay with me when I tell them to go, to hold me and let me cry even though I tell them all is well; I want people to be able to read me the way I can read them, I want perfection, it doesn't exist but why can't they at least try? I need people around me, not to be in a house alone while everyone does something more interesting.
I know I could have had people around me, could have gone out and then other things would have been forgotten, the gods forgive me if I feel like shit and going out was the last thing on my mind! I do it to myself, I know I do. He suggests staying because I am, I tell him to go and present sensible arguements as to why he should so he agrees thinking that all will be well, then I sit here pouring my heart out to an empty screen with burning tears blurring my sight...It's quite pathetic really.
"Ask for help" they say, "You don't have to take everything on yourself." I do though, I can't help it, I'm the only one I've ever truely been prepared to talk to, cry to, I still feel like everyone else will judge, see weakness, see me as someone they can't rely on....Is that what it is? That I need to feel needed so badly that I tear myself apart from the inside out just to keep up the illusion? That I am so worried about losing people that I hide myself so they will not be afraid to lean on me? I would have felt guilty if he had stayed for me, missed his turn, nothing important, nothing he should be pilloried for, something totally stupid, just the need to have someone else in the house, not to talk to, not necessarily even to be in the same room, just here....a sense of life...It's not like he knew I was still this upset, "What's wrong?" "Nothing." the eternal, unchanging exchange, the answer that means something is wrong, perhaps everything, but since I can't give you a definite answer that will satisfy I keep smiling, hide behind this strong capable facade and pretend that everything is fine until I manage to convince myself and the smile becomes truth...Men never seem to understand that, they want a definite answer, something you can point to and say "That is what's wrong, make it stop, make it go away and all will be well again." Life is rarely that simple.
And so here I sit, I've shouted at the cats, alienated the ones who DO recognise when something is wrong, scared them away from me because they make the demands on me that they are entitled to. Distanced myself because I can only do so much to help, nothing more than the boundries of attention and food, when they fail I become lost, angry at myself and at them because we don't understand each other...And people say I am the strong sane one, I suppose that at least means my act is believed, that the mask is firmly in place.
I need to go and apologise to them, feed them, feel some warmth near me even if it is not capable of holding me, looking after me in return...If I am alone too long the tears will start up again and it feels so useless crying to myself, no one will hear and come to my rescue...if they did I would only wipe my eyes and insist nothing was wrong...WHY? Why do I continue to do this to myself?
I've promised myself I'm over the obsession, and I am, but I think I have a right to be upset as a friend being treated like this never mind anything else!
It seems that I am only important when there is nothing better on offer...seems to be a theme for me doesn't it?
Not that it helps when the only people noticing me are the ones I'd be more than happy to have forget about me...I could go and look at FaceWhore and see all the posts telling me I'm gorgeous - empty praise from those who hope it may buy them something - is that really all I mean to the world, all people want from me or think of me? Will I forever be nothing more than a filler in people's lives? My parents, of course, I'm their little girl, always will be, but there is so much they don't know about me now, so much they can not comfort me for...I don't want to find out what would happen if they knew, I need one safe haven from this world. Besides, they can only keep me safe from the world, cannot make me feel needed, desired, they guard me by keeping me away from the world not giving me a place in it, a purpose in it.
Independance is all well and good but right now I don't want to be left alone, don't want to have to cope with everything in silence. I want, need, people to see what I am not prepared to say, to stay with me when I tell them to go, to hold me and let me cry even though I tell them all is well; I want people to be able to read me the way I can read them, I want perfection, it doesn't exist but why can't they at least try? I need people around me, not to be in a house alone while everyone does something more interesting.
I know I could have had people around me, could have gone out and then other things would have been forgotten, the gods forgive me if I feel like shit and going out was the last thing on my mind! I do it to myself, I know I do. He suggests staying because I am, I tell him to go and present sensible arguements as to why he should so he agrees thinking that all will be well, then I sit here pouring my heart out to an empty screen with burning tears blurring my sight...It's quite pathetic really.
"Ask for help" they say, "You don't have to take everything on yourself." I do though, I can't help it, I'm the only one I've ever truely been prepared to talk to, cry to, I still feel like everyone else will judge, see weakness, see me as someone they can't rely on....Is that what it is? That I need to feel needed so badly that I tear myself apart from the inside out just to keep up the illusion? That I am so worried about losing people that I hide myself so they will not be afraid to lean on me? I would have felt guilty if he had stayed for me, missed his turn, nothing important, nothing he should be pilloried for, something totally stupid, just the need to have someone else in the house, not to talk to, not necessarily even to be in the same room, just here....a sense of life...It's not like he knew I was still this upset, "What's wrong?" "Nothing." the eternal, unchanging exchange, the answer that means something is wrong, perhaps everything, but since I can't give you a definite answer that will satisfy I keep smiling, hide behind this strong capable facade and pretend that everything is fine until I manage to convince myself and the smile becomes truth...Men never seem to understand that, they want a definite answer, something you can point to and say "That is what's wrong, make it stop, make it go away and all will be well again." Life is rarely that simple.
And so here I sit, I've shouted at the cats, alienated the ones who DO recognise when something is wrong, scared them away from me because they make the demands on me that they are entitled to. Distanced myself because I can only do so much to help, nothing more than the boundries of attention and food, when they fail I become lost, angry at myself and at them because we don't understand each other...And people say I am the strong sane one, I suppose that at least means my act is believed, that the mask is firmly in place.
I need to go and apologise to them, feed them, feel some warmth near me even if it is not capable of holding me, looking after me in return...If I am alone too long the tears will start up again and it feels so useless crying to myself, no one will hear and come to my rescue...if they did I would only wipe my eyes and insist nothing was wrong...WHY? Why do I continue to do this to myself?
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-03 08:48 am (UTC)Though I'll check what's happening on the 18th as well - there may be a 'ling game in Birmingham that evening, which I suspect could tempt you :)
And yep, will bring up the 8 books when I come up - along with some for you to read if you wish?
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-03 11:23 pm (UTC)*hugs and pixie dust*
(Yes I've calmed down/cheered up enough for pixie dust again)