(no subject)

I've done it now. The letter of resignation went off in the post this lunch time. Point of no return and all that...Admittedly I let Paul carry it and post it because I kept getting this unreasoning terror and a desire to tear it up. He pointed out that I could always write retraction or phone and take it back - that would mean admitting defeat and giving them the satisfaction of thinking that I need them...which I don't. So I guess as of the second of April I'm unemployed again, unless I find something else first.

I think it should feel like a weight off my mind or something, the first step on a new path...It's kind of a little like the first day of NaNo when you boot up the computer, get your opening sentance down and suddenly realise that you have another 49,975 words to write and no clue where your plot is going. There's some sense of elation and excitement but mostly it's just a feeling of impending doom!

Hugs to wayzgoose and simara for making me feel better last night. I've come to the conclusion that part of what is making me feel nervous is the fact that everyone (including my parents) are advocating finding a new job before handing my notice in - well it's a bit late for that now. I think I have visions of things going horribly wrong and having to endure a chorus of 'I told you so' from various people. I suppose better that than me making myself ill and getting to 'I told you so' them. The thing is I seem to work a lot better without a comfort zone. I work better under pressure of a deadline, there is a certain relationship which might have been far different if I didn't have a comfort zone, I'm more likely to seriously look for a job if I don't already have one. I can see me just staying put because it's easier and dealing with the stress until it really gets too much. There are times in my life when I've thought before I acted and, on the whole, I seem to end up with more regrets from them than I do from following my heart.

The other thing that is getting to me about this at the moment is the fact that I really would have liked to talk to Sammy, unfortunately I would feel like I was putting her in a conflict of interests. She doesn't think all that much more of the company than I do but she is still technically my immediate superior. One reason why having a friend as your boss isn't a good idea. Well I'm on shift with her on Saturday so we shall see what comes up then, if nothing else I'm not telling her before doing anything so she doesn't know anything that the office doesn't.

Anyway, right now there is nothing more I can do about anything so I'm going to go downstairs, make tea and curl up on the sofa for a while before watching Dresden Files...note to self, go check waterstones tomorrow - I deserve a new book.